Desires and Discernment
“She begged him to drive the demon out of her daughter.” Mk.7
This woman from the gospel knew what she wanted. Even when it seemed Jesus refused her, she asked again.
Ladies, do you know what you want? How often do we pray, “Lord, just tell me your will and then I will do it”? As Catholics, we pray this prayer a lot.
When I was discerning consecrated life 10 years ago, my prayer was to “just know His will” and then I would do it. I’ve realized now that this prayer was coming from fear. I grew up as a cradle Catholic and I had always been told that doing God’s will for your life is where you will be the most happy. So out of fear I prayed this prayer, “Lord just tell me!” Fearful that if I make the wrong decision I wouldn’t be as happy, or would be missing out.
Ladies, I spent 5 years discerning my vocation. 5 years full of questions, doubts and fear. You know when I finally came to clarity about this? It was when I actually allowed myself to look at my desires, acknowledge them and decided (with God) in peace. He actually never told me he wasn’t calling me, but in a moment of grace I had clarity even though my spiritual director disagreed with me! I made that decision and now, married, 3 children later, I have never questioned my vocation. Marriage and motherhood have been an absolute joy. The difficult moments are just opportunities to learn and grow but never have I once wondered if I made the wrong decision.
And so now, I found myself struggling with another major life decision.
I received some consolations from the Lord and that was enough for me … but, certain thoughts kept coming back. There was resentment and yes, fear.
Praise God I have the tools I have now. I discovered this fear immediately and I realized what was going on. I realized I was operating out of fear and not faith. My coach pointed out that when we do something out of obligation and don’t look at our own emotions, we end up becoming resentful and blaming God. This is exactly what was happening.
So I asked God directly, and you know what? He WOULDN’T TELL ME. We had an interesting conversation about free will and He said, “I want you to choose. I want you to know what you want, like the Canaanite woman, and then ask me.”
“I no longer call you servants but friends” Jesus doesn’t want us to just do his bidding as slaves. He gave us our desires to lead us to Him!
Yes we need to pray and discern. Please understand, of course we should seek God’s will in our life. But it’s dangerous if it’s coming from fear or obligation. Again and again the saints talk about conforming our will to God’s will. This actually starts with acknowledging our own desires. Our Lord is incredibly patient with us. He will meet us in our simplest desire and accompany us as we climb our way during this life to align our desires more and more to His. He doesn’t judge us so why do we judge ourselves?
Often as Catholics we don’t know how to acknowledge our desires. We talk about “God’s will” in a nebulous way - either assuming it is simply doing the dishes happily or it’s something really big and scary and out of reach. I can accompany you on this journey to start exploring the desires of your heart.